Aspiring Spirit

For those who aspire to become an unbearable co-worker, here are some tips to help you achieve your goal.

On Team Work

To become an unbearable co-worker, adopt the without-me-nothing-around-here-gets done attitude. Since your co-workers are a bunch of incompetent imbeciles, you need to make it clear that you are the only one who can get things done. Always look down on your peers. If a co-worker comes to you with a new idea or a suggestion, brush it off as stupid/irrelevant (pick your own derogatory term here. Be creative). If a co-worker asks you for help, roll your eyes and sigh deeply. You can also say something like, “how many times do I have to explain this?” Make sure your co-worker feels really bad and stupid for asking you for anything. This way they will never ask you for anything again. Hoard all information. Do not share any information with any of your co-workers. The more you know, the more valuable you are. Keep your co-workers in the dark as much as possible. If they ask for information, deflect the question to the boss.

On Meetings

Always show up late for meetings. Make it clear that you were busy and had to “squeeze” a few minutes out of your precious time to attend this meeting. Do not forget to regularly interrupt your co-workers in mid-sentence and disrupt their train of thought. If they try to continue speaking, raise your voice and waive your hands. While sitting in the meeting, whip out your blackberry (or any other communication device that you are carrying; the more the better) and start fiddling with it. For bigger impact, do this while speaking or listening to someone while they’re trying to make a point.

Do not agree with any of your co-worker’s points. If you have to, just say “we will have to discuss this offline”. If you see that the meeting is too focused or running smoothly, run off on a tangent. Resist every attempt to re-focus the meeting by insisting on the importance of your tangent.

Schedule as many meetings as you can with total disregard for your co-workers’ time and workload. Make sure to pick the worst time for a meeting, like just before the end of the day. And always make sure that the meeting extends beyond the scheduled time.

On Behavior

Break all (or at least most) of your promises. Do not take responsibility for anything you say or do. When you are on a conference call, put it on speaker phone and blast the volume.

On Personal Hygiene

Do not shower regularly and if you must wear perfume, make sure it’s the cheap kind. Do not brush your teeth in the morning. Make sure that people can smell what you had for breakfast and for lunch. When speaking to a co-worker, get as close as you can to their face without actually touching them to ensure that they get a good whiff of your breath and “BO”. Stay around long enough for them to inhale.